Misbehaving johnny

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother totell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Merriage advice

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

Healthfull place

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in New Delhi. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the cabbie replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

Wait til the last moment

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Most wanted

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

The sunday edition

An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was. "Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday." There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."

The paintings

A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon. Yet one painting was priced $150, the other at $125. So, he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other. "It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting. "You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."

Blonde commit suicide

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

When death come

Death came to a guy and said,"My friend today is your day..." The guy said,"But I am not ready!" Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list..." So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?" Death said, "All right..." The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list. When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me..."

Blonde and the barking dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"

Impolite child

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!

Littel johney craying

Little Johnny runs down the stairs in tears. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Get your self train

Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train. Your Son Nasser Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad: Loving son, Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too. Your Dad

Wieght scale

At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. 'It won't work,' Judi countered. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'

Water in carburetor

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

Two brazilians

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

The lunatic driver

One morning a blonde's husband was watching the traffic report on TV. They were talking about some maniac who was driving along the highway in the wrong direction and disrupting traffic He knew his wife would be on that highway on her way to work and he didn't want her to get hurt, so he called her to let her know. "Honey, watch out this morning, there's a lunatic driving the wrong way up the highway" he said. Sounding terrified, she replied, "It's not just one!"

No more kids

A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?" The woman answered, "Four." The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George." Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?" "Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

Thankfull santa

Santa shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will". "That is very kind of you", said the doctor emotionally and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change".

The sane advice

Lady: Do you smoke? Man: Yes. Lady: How many packs? Man: 3 packs daily. Lady: How much is per pack for your brand? Man: $ 8 a pack. Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Man: Almost 18 years. Lady: So one pack costs $ 8 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $ 720. In one year, it would be $ 8640. Correct? Man: Correct. Lady: If in 1 year you spend $ 8640, you collectively spent $ 155,520. Correct? Man: Correct. Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 18 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No. Man: Where's your freaking Ferrari then?